Looking for a job

I have to look for a job because I need money. I wish I knew where to find a job doing what I am good at. What am I good at? Oh lots of things. None of them that pay money as far as I know. I hate looking for a job. It frustrates me and makes me feel like a failure. God knows I have enough other things in my life that do that that I don't bloody need a job search to do it for me. I love spending time with my kids, I love building other people's connection to the community, I even like numbers. I just don't know what kind of job that adds up to with my slim qualifications of a BS in political science. I really wish that while I was in college I had thought about what would happen and what I would use my Political Science degree to do if I didn't end up going to law school with it. Turns out there is pretty much shit nothing for that degree to do and I wish I had thought of that. But the fact is, I'm not paying my rent this month without some money and my husband is worried and I'm worried and its rubbing off on the whole house. Well nothing to be done about it except for keep looking for a job, but I did want to vent for a little bit.

Ruminations

The question is not "Can you find it in your heart to blame me?" but "Can I find it in my heart to forgive myself?" I do not know how you have found it inside yourself to blame me, because I couldn't find it inside myself to blame you, but I am looking for the strength to forgive myself. OK, I made a mistake. I made a couple of them. I married you when I knew I was too young and silly to look ahead into the future. I agreed to marry you when I knew we hadn't been together long enough to know if that is what we truly wanted. I married you even though I wasn't sure. Why? Oh numerous reasons. I thought I wanted to marry you. I thought I knew what I was doing. I thought it didn't matter that we didn't have anything in common. I was in love with you. You were kind and thoughtful and treated me like a queen. What changed? Oh, numerous things. Do you think when we decided to get married that I wanted to feel sad for years on end about our relationship? I get these days where I feel joyous about it and I feel like the world is looking up and you are trying and I am trying and it will be ok. But then the regular life kicks in and more days than not, I feel sad. I feel sad like when you know an animal you are close to and have loved is dying. I feel sad like the whole world is going to change and I don't know how to protect myself. I feel sad like everything has gone wrong and I am in some sort of alternate universe.

To be sure, I don't regret our marriage. I love our marriage. I think that that is why I feel sad. You don't feel sad about something ending that you didn't ever like. You rejoice! And that is not my feeling. Only sadness. Not anger. Why couldn't we have grown together instead of apart? What actions could we both have taken that could have changed the way it went? Maybe nothing. Maybe we were both young and fooling ourselves when we said we didn't need any validation or any approval for our relationship. But the truth is, that stuff is important. Otherwise, people wiser than I wouldn't have warned us. The truth is, we have different visions on life and where we want to go. I never have succeeded in getting a vision out of you and every time I ask, you succeed in making me feel guilty that I want anything else. Why do you do that to me? Of all the emotions, I think guilt is the most powerful. It can hurt you and follow you and make you feel pain for years and years and years. Sometimes, your whole life can be consumed by guilt. And here we are, walking down a road together that I don't really like. I wish this was different. Really I do. But I have tried. I have cried and cried and talked and cried and talked some more. I have hashed out scenarios in my mind and with others, I have set up time for us, I have suggested counseling and I have cried some more. The truth is, I don't really know anything else to do. So in that, I don't know how you can blame me. I know how I blame myself. I made choices that I don't think I can or want to take back. And those have set us apart. But truthfully, I think those hastened us along a path we were already on. The truth is, I want more kids, but I don't want them with you. The truth is, I'm scared and I don't know how to do this to you or our family. I really hate being the bad guy, but I realized tonight that whether you initiate or I do, it doesn't matter. You will still blame me, just like you always do. You will still hurt me, probably unintentionally. I love you. Deeply. But I am certainly not in love with you and I have doubts that our relationship is healthy for me anymore.