Looking for a job

I have to look for a job because I need money. I wish I knew where to find a job doing what I am good at. What am I good at? Oh lots of things. None of them that pay money as far as I know. I hate looking for a job. It frustrates me and makes me feel like a failure. God knows I have enough other things in my life that do that that I don't bloody need a job search to do it for me. I love spending time with my kids, I love building other people's connection to the community, I even like numbers. I just don't know what kind of job that adds up to with my slim qualifications of a BS in political science. I really wish that while I was in college I had thought about what would happen and what I would use my Political Science degree to do if I didn't end up going to law school with it. Turns out there is pretty much shit nothing for that degree to do and I wish I had thought of that. But the fact is, I'm not paying my rent this month without some money and my husband is worried and I'm worried and its rubbing off on the whole house. Well nothing to be done about it except for keep looking for a job, but I did want to vent for a little bit.

Ruminations

The question is not "Can you find it in your heart to blame me?" but "Can I find it in my heart to forgive myself?" I do not know how you have found it inside yourself to blame me, because I couldn't find it inside myself to blame you, but I am looking for the strength to forgive myself. OK, I made a mistake. I made a couple of them. I married you when I knew I was too young and silly to look ahead into the future. I agreed to marry you when I knew we hadn't been together long enough to know if that is what we truly wanted. I married you even though I wasn't sure. Why? Oh numerous reasons. I thought I wanted to marry you. I thought I knew what I was doing. I thought it didn't matter that we didn't have anything in common. I was in love with you. You were kind and thoughtful and treated me like a queen. What changed? Oh, numerous things. Do you think when we decided to get married that I wanted to feel sad for years on end about our relationship? I get these days where I feel joyous about it and I feel like the world is looking up and you are trying and I am trying and it will be ok. But then the regular life kicks in and more days than not, I feel sad. I feel sad like when you know an animal you are close to and have loved is dying. I feel sad like the whole world is going to change and I don't know how to protect myself. I feel sad like everything has gone wrong and I am in some sort of alternate universe.

To be sure, I don't regret our marriage. I love our marriage. I think that that is why I feel sad. You don't feel sad about something ending that you didn't ever like. You rejoice! And that is not my feeling. Only sadness. Not anger. Why couldn't we have grown together instead of apart? What actions could we both have taken that could have changed the way it went? Maybe nothing. Maybe we were both young and fooling ourselves when we said we didn't need any validation or any approval for our relationship. But the truth is, that stuff is important. Otherwise, people wiser than I wouldn't have warned us. The truth is, we have different visions on life and where we want to go. I never have succeeded in getting a vision out of you and every time I ask, you succeed in making me feel guilty that I want anything else. Why do you do that to me? Of all the emotions, I think guilt is the most powerful. It can hurt you and follow you and make you feel pain for years and years and years. Sometimes, your whole life can be consumed by guilt. And here we are, walking down a road together that I don't really like. I wish this was different. Really I do. But I have tried. I have cried and cried and talked and cried and talked some more. I have hashed out scenarios in my mind and with others, I have set up time for us, I have suggested counseling and I have cried some more. The truth is, I don't really know anything else to do. So in that, I don't know how you can blame me. I know how I blame myself. I made choices that I don't think I can or want to take back. And those have set us apart. But truthfully, I think those hastened us along a path we were already on. The truth is, I want more kids, but I don't want them with you. The truth is, I'm scared and I don't know how to do this to you or our family. I really hate being the bad guy, but I realized tonight that whether you initiate or I do, it doesn't matter. You will still blame me, just like you always do. You will still hurt me, probably unintentionally. I love you. Deeply. But I am certainly not in love with you and I have doubts that our relationship is healthy for me anymore.

Turn Your Name Into a Face - Susannah

Turn Your Name Into a Face - Susannah

This is funny. Mine is sure ugly. I have a huge nose on here. What does your look like?

Open Adoptions

So....my adoption of my older two children was finalized this week! Whew! I am so relieved and I am happy to think that no one can ever take them away from me again. However, it was an open adoption since they were our family and there wasn't really any way to make it a closed adoption. This puts dilemmas in front of me. We have a written agreement with their birth mother to see her twice a year and update twice a year so basically contact 4 times a year and then she gets to call once a month and talk to the kids. I am trying to make myself friendly about this because I think that alienating her will only backfire on me with the kids in the end anyway and because I have this agreement, I will have to deal with her for at least another 14 years of my life. That's a long time to deal with people you aren't friendly with. So the first problem is...I'm jealous. I don't like when the kids hug her or touch her or call her Mommy or anything. That sounds petty but your heart just gets all bunched up and you only want to hate her a whole lot during those moments. I'm not willing to leave my kids alone with her yet, so any suggestions on how to deal? Also, she also has another younger son now and I would like for my children to have a relationship with their half-brother which would necessitate more contact also. Any suggestions?

This brings me to my next problem. Their birth father is actually the one that is our family (my husbands cousin) and he is the one that will be at our family functions. He also happens to be the one that I did NOT make a written agreement with because he would only use it against me in the end. He is a control freak and also a little bit bipolar, if I don't miss my guess. However, he is charming and safe with the kids when he hasn't turned that mindset on where he is only seeing angry. We weren't allowed to have him see the kids while DHS still had custody of the kids (while they were living at my house as foster children) because they wouldn't let him see them. However, he knows we got the adoption papers this week and he already is pressuring me about when he will be able to see them. Now, he hasn't seen them in about a year and a half and I don't want to rush it. However, my husband also is asking me when and where I am going to let this happen. Does anyone have more experience with this than me? I can't totally shut him out, we're family. I also don't want the kids to have as much contact with him as I am sure that he wants. What do you think? My kids are 6 and 4 and I also have a 1 year old son that has completely been raised as the other two's brother and will have to be included in any visits. Any suggestions? My brain is racked with possible terrible things happening (mainly mentally in my kids minds).

What am I doing?

I live in a world where its not ok for me to do what I want and raise my kids the way I want. Isn't the way we raise the next generation of kids the most important thing in the whole world? I'm not talking about silly people that don't vaccinate their children (although your choice affects everyone, so thanks - not), I'm talking about the person that is naturally the better parent (whether that be the mother or the father) and wants to stay home, can. We should make that possible on a social services basis, at least before the child starts school and even after that they really aren't gone more than 6.5 hours or so. I'm tired of coming home and seeing my kids for 3 hours a night and having to do a ton of things in the 6 hour mad dash from when I get home to when I get in bed. Why do I have so much stuff to do? Why aren't there more supports for parents, especially younger ones, especially in schools. If they actually wanted parents to come, there would be a whole hell of a lot more support!!!! Just a rant - sorry. I'm tired.

I want more kids

I know you think I'm crazy. I'm going to law school and I have three beautiful children that I love more than anything and are lots of work. But I want more kids. I wish that I could have Kaitlin and Jordan's siblings that are in care. I wish I could have another baby. I want a whole mess of children running around the house. When I was a child, I didn't think that I was ever going to want kids. But once we got Kaitlin and Jordan, I realized that I love being a parent. I don't know if I am ever going to want to stop having children. I love taking them to fun kid things. I love playing with them in their playroom. I love watching kid movies and having tickle wars and having them love me. Does that make me selfish? I don't want to have more kids for their sake, I want to have more kids for my sake. I love pumpkin patches and Halloween. I love Christmas and gingerbread houses. My husband does not want more kids. He has valid points. 3 kids is plenty. Kids are expensive. He isn't naturally suited to having a lot of children. More children means using more of the Earth's resources. But I feel like maybe later this might be a deal breaker even though I knew going into our marriage that he only wanted one child. He was the one who compromised and gave me three. But am I going to be able to get over my feelings about it? How quickly do I need to make a decision? Before I'm 30? 40? When will it be too late? I love Tony and I have no desire to leave him. He is a good father and a great husband to me. But I want more kids and he doesn't. Is that it? How many times can we have the same conversation? It's not like we haven't communicated about it, we have. I just want more kids and he doesn't. When will I find peace about it?

Awesome OMSI information!

For everyone reading that lives in the Portland, OR area, I just wanted to tell everyone that until March 1st, 2009, every first Sunday of the month is $2 admission day at OMSI. THis is a SWEET deal considering that tickets generally run a pretty steep $7-$9. It doesn't seem like much until you are paying for a family of 5 and then they want to go see a movie in the OMNIMAX. All y'all should go. There are exhibits for everyone and I hear the science playground for kids under the age of 6 rocks! Plus, I really want to go and go through the featured exhibit Mindbender Mansion that is leaving Nov 11th!

http://www.omsi.edu/