Open Adoptions

So....my adoption of my older two children was finalized this week! Whew! I am so relieved and I am happy to think that no one can ever take them away from me again. However, it was an open adoption since they were our family and there wasn't really any way to make it a closed adoption. This puts dilemmas in front of me. We have a written agreement with their birth mother to see her twice a year and update twice a year so basically contact 4 times a year and then she gets to call once a month and talk to the kids. I am trying to make myself friendly about this because I think that alienating her will only backfire on me with the kids in the end anyway and because I have this agreement, I will have to deal with her for at least another 14 years of my life. That's a long time to deal with people you aren't friendly with. So the first problem is...I'm jealous. I don't like when the kids hug her or touch her or call her Mommy or anything. That sounds petty but your heart just gets all bunched up and you only want to hate her a whole lot during those moments. I'm not willing to leave my kids alone with her yet, so any suggestions on how to deal? Also, she also has another younger son now and I would like for my children to have a relationship with their half-brother which would necessitate more contact also. Any suggestions?

This brings me to my next problem. Their birth father is actually the one that is our family (my husbands cousin) and he is the one that will be at our family functions. He also happens to be the one that I did NOT make a written agreement with because he would only use it against me in the end. He is a control freak and also a little bit bipolar, if I don't miss my guess. However, he is charming and safe with the kids when he hasn't turned that mindset on where he is only seeing angry. We weren't allowed to have him see the kids while DHS still had custody of the kids (while they were living at my house as foster children) because they wouldn't let him see them. However, he knows we got the adoption papers this week and he already is pressuring me about when he will be able to see them. Now, he hasn't seen them in about a year and a half and I don't want to rush it. However, my husband also is asking me when and where I am going to let this happen. Does anyone have more experience with this than me? I can't totally shut him out, we're family. I also don't want the kids to have as much contact with him as I am sure that he wants. What do you think? My kids are 6 and 4 and I also have a 1 year old son that has completely been raised as the other two's brother and will have to be included in any visits. Any suggestions? My brain is racked with possible terrible things happening (mainly mentally in my kids minds).